Moments that change your life don’t happen all the time and maybe that’s why they are so profound.
It started out as an evening like any other. The day had been long, but productive. I got ready for bed and settled in, hoping for sleep. With insomnia, one never knows if sleep will come. It wasn’t even a thought, really… to feel the side of my breast. But when I did, I froze for a full moment. Then processed what my hand just rolled over. I began a breast exam using both hands. I moved my hands gently but with intent to determine size and movability. It is the size of half a lemon. Shock hit me. My mind whirled as I tried to remember what I knew about cancer, if cancerous lumps hurt, would they be movable? But I couldn’t remember. I wanted to wake my husband, Eric up and ask for his opinion, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that when he has been so tired. Plus, I thought, nothing would change before the morning. At lease nothing physical. One hour rolled into another as I tossed and turned… waiting for morning to break.
Eric was wonderful and very sensitive to the situation. He did what he could to offer his opinion and comfort me. As we agreed, I made a Dr.’s appointment for later in the afternoon. My Doctor, wonderful as he is, let me know that based on the size and location of the lump, he thinks it’s just a cyst or a fatty Lipoma. I said to my Dr., “I had a mammogram, a breast exam and a pap just 3 months ago, based on the size of this, how did the Dr. miss it? “After the mammogram and ultra sound I’m scheduling you for, we will know more information”, he replied.
It’s interesting the feelings and emotions I’ve experienced the last couple of days. Oddly enough, I had a sense of peace about this whole situation; otherwise I couldn’t be sure I would’ve kept the calm approach that I did. Yesterday however, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I thought about the worse scenario as well as the best one. Fear tormented me at the edge of the fence, as though there was an invisible line it couldn’t cross. By evening I told Eric in a quiet moment together, that I wanted to feel sorry for myself for a good part of the day. Did I dare allow myself to feel pathetic? I couldn’t! Really, how unreasonable is it to struggle with varying emotions with something as huge as this, a breast lump – the size of half a lemon. Did I mention that already? It amazes me how big it is. As I stood in front of the mirror today, I noticed it protruding, making my breast look awkward.
I keep reminding myself to be aware of my thoughts and emotions, so they don’t get away from me. How easy would it be to become depressed over this! I’m grateful for my family and their loving support and grateful for my relationship with my Heavenly Father.
I look forward to finding out what they discover and of course, I will let you know how it goes and keep you posted as I journey through this trial.
With all my love,
- How to Do a Breast Self-Exam (everydayhealth.com)
- Breast Cancer Self-Exams: Are They Necessary? (everydayhealth.com)